“WHO AM I?”

I want to give you a semi-brief synopsis of how I went from years of having chronic pain, severe mood swings, unhealthy attachment styles, a perpetual fear of stepping out of my comfort zone (socially, business-wise/financially, setting boundaries, etc.) and so much more, to significantly reducing pain (from my neck and back to period cramps), becoming emotionally mature and resilient, having a healthy secure attachment, and expanding my nervous system's capacity by taking aligned action to manifest my dreamiest life.

Growing up in a chaotic environment…

My household consisted of poverty, alcoholism, substance abuse, an overdose of negativity and fighting, and physical and emotional neglect. Elementary school consisted of me being bullied – being the tallest, lankiest, kinda’ dorky looking girl who never stood up for herself made her a reasonable target.

Little Michelle was perpetually stuck in the states of freeze and fawn. She played the role of therapist and golden child in her home and a quiet bystander in school – although these parts of her protected her to make it through her early years, she did not realize how much these patterns were going to haunt her and sabotage her for the years to come.

And then there was the Sex Ed FAIL…

The fun [sarcasm] continued through puberty and my teenage years. I, and I bet you too, lacked proper education on SO many things around our sexuality. I remember in school having the excruciatingly awkward lecture about preventing pregnancy via abstinence and birth control (did you get the condom banana demonstration too?). 

The majority of sex ed consisted of fear mongering us into celibacy… yet they failed to touch on extremely important topics what healthy relationships consist of, what healthy sexual dynamics look like, what proper consent is, how to set healthy boundaries, oh… and they ESPECIALLY forgot to teach us about women’s hormone health and how to optimize our life by working with our cyclical nature.

Instead, we glazed right over that, pretending like our biology operated exactly like men’s…

We were fed the shameful message that periods are “yucky,” a painful “curse,” and that they need to be hidden (heaven forbid a tampon or pad accidentally drops out of your bag in public).

Therefore, my childhood was a cocktail of developmental trauma, shame, and misogynistic programming (from my family and society). Any little self-esteem I had left by the time I entered teenage hood was gone.

And then, things got worse…

At age 15, I had the worst period cramps of my life. I was going to “suck it up” like I normally did, but this time I listened to my intuition and my mom drove me to the hospital.

Turns out I had a cyst the size of a TENNIS BALL wrapped around my right ovary. I had to receive surgery that night to remove it; if not, they said it would have burst, and I would have bled internally to death.

It was that 15-year-old Michelle who felt completely defeated.

I coped with my zero self-worth during my teenage and early adult years by:

a) throwing myself at the “hot” guys who showed me the tiniest bit of attention,

b) working and saving as much money as I could, while

c) trying to over-achieve in high school and college.

I was put on anti-depressants and hormonal birth control which numbed me at times and exacerbated my mental illness other times. My moods were out of control -  I was abusing recreational substances, getting black out drunk, and self-harming to cope with the drastic highs and lows.

My romantic relationships and friendships were one toxic pattern after the other; my neck, shoulder, and back pain were agonizing; I was always so bloated, my periods were painful; and I was always searching for something outside of me to “fix me,” to validate me, to make me feel “whole.”

I was the perfectionist and perpetual people-pleaser on overdrive at times and the frozen depressed girl who would isolate herself and wanted to completely give up other times.

Then in 2024, things started to finally change...

This guy who I thought I loved for so long, finally walked away for good. I was losing female friendships left and right. A business deal fell through. And my beautiful older sister died unexpectedly on August 11th, 2024. What shocked me the most was how good she was doing with her sobriety, and how now out of all times she left us.